Twelve For Eight
by Lost Experiment
Summary: Twelve Mary Sues show up in the World that Never Was, each determined to convince Axel that they are his one true love. There's only one way to resolve such a dillemma: a fight to the death!
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Twelve for Eight

**Rating: **T

**Warnings/Spoilers/Pairings:** Um...some Mary Sues that are really desperate to get in Axel's pants? Mild AkuRoku. Mention of Rape. Mention of Yaoi.

**Disclaimer: **KH is the respective property of Disney and Square Enix.

**Authors Notes:****omegapenguin0** on Livejournal wrote a list of 30 Plotbunnies in 30 Minutes. Number 4 was "Twelve Sues, One Axel...do the math." Considering this gets into some controversial issues, a couple of things. I wish to remind you all that this is a parody. I am in fact a fan of yaoi, and I have nothing but respect and best wishes for victims of rape. I also, for that matter, have been known to read AND enjoy stuff that would give cause for many ranters and sporkers to question my sanity. In short, this is supposed to be a parody, targeting and even overplaying the worst conventions of self-insert/MarySue fics.

* * *

**Chapter 1: **

Deep within the Castle that Never Was and blissfully unaware of the danger that awaited him outside, Axel was having an argument with Luxord, who had taken it upon himself to try and relate the predicament. Having never had any experience with the creatures in question, he was having a bit of trouble explaining why Xaldin had been so anxious to inform the other Nobody of the issue who, like himself seemed to view the situation as completely the opposite.

"There are twelve unnaturally good-looking women outside? For me? I fail to see the problem." Axel looked askance at the rakish gambler. "For that matter, I can't understand why you of all people would find something wrong with it. What are you, jealous?"

"You know as well as I do, jealousy can't be done mate." Luxord shrugged. "But that's what I thought too. They're very good looking women. The problem is…" he trailed off, causing Axel to actually look up from his book. It was a rare day that language failed the gambler. "That is to say that they happen to be of a variety of…"

In the end, Luxord was saved the trouble of explaining at all as they were interrupted by the arrival of Xigbar who was looking incredibly harassed and rather embarrassedly disheveled. He didn't offer any pleasantries, rounding on the increasingly confused red-haired Nobody. "Axel, why the hell can't I kill them?"

"Wait, kill who?"

"Those WOMEN that are here for you. Their squealing was annoying me, so I went out there. But they dodge my bullets better than Dusks. I've never seen powers like those before. The weirdest thing was though that the second I tried to fight them, it was like my own powers were gone. I swear dude, they were just so amazing, and fascinating and beautiful..." He trailed off.

"What are you going ON about man?" Luxord gave Xigbar a mildly worried look.

"I don't know. Suddenly, they just happened to be the most fascinating thing I'd ever heard of."

Something in Axel's mind finally clicked into place. "Oh Shit. They're SUES."

Xigbar's lone eye widened. "No wonder!

"Sues?" Luxord asked. "You mean they all have the same name?"

"No no no." Axel shook his head, explaining. "I was off on a mission with Xaldin a few months back, and we had to make a stopover in 'SporkLand'. They were leading a revolt against the fact that their Home world's export of terrible fanfiction was under a tariff law now. They seemed pretty pathetic at the time, but the people of Sporkland assured us that their powers are in fact only subdued IN Sporkland itself, they can be quite dangerous outside of it. They get hold of men, and turn them into pathetic, quivering lovey-dovey versions of their former selves who literally can't survive without the love and physical presence of the Sue they're attached to."

"But we can't…"

"Feel love? Doesn't matter. You saw Xigbar a moment ago: when it comes to Sue, if we think we've got emotions then we DO. Anyway, I've got to get rid of them!"

"Well have fun with that now." Xigbar shrugged. "I'm not anxious to put my ass on the line for you."

"Wait!" Axel called, a thought striking him. "Haven't you noticed how many there are?"

"Yeah, twelve. So?"

"So only one can hypothetically 'have me'." Axel said. "What makes you think that the others are just going to go home without a consolation prize?"

"What about Larxene?" Luxord asked.

"Not going to happen. Sues are NEVER gay."

"Oh. That's not good." Was all Xigbar had to say to that.

"Thought you might see things my way."

During the bickering, Luxord had been processing the story. "I still don't see the problem." He mused, earning him an incredulous stare from the other two.

"Those Sues will do ANYTHNG to get Axel, and then, the remainder will come after US." Xigbar insisted.

"Anything?" Luxord repeated.

And Axel caught on. "Anything. I'm beginning to see your point. This could be fun."

"Now wait a moment." Luxord said logically. "Maybe we don't need to go quite that far. As fun as it would be, it's counter-productive to waste time we don't really have. Xemnas has been quite insistent lately, and frankly Demyx has gotten so lazy that I get stuck with his work on top of my own. I'm of the opinion that we take care of this problem quickly if at all possible."

Xigbar rubbed his chin. "I see what you mean. Do you have a plan then?"

"Well, I think it's been proven that Axel's libido is pretty indiscriminate. Why don't we just allow them to assume he's gay? Surely an extended snog with Number 13 should be more than enough to convince these ladies that our coworker here is quite unavailable."

It did sound like an excellent idea, but after some thought it was with great regret that the fire-wielder decided to negate it. "That would work if they were regular fangirls, but Sues are different. They'd find a way to have both myself and Roxas, and I'm not about to be the one to get flack from the Superior for losing him."

Luxord shook his head incredulously at that revelation, but set himself to think again. A moment later, he snapped his fingers. "Alright, how about this: Number Thirteen can rival Xemnas for power. We'll set him against the Sues."

This time Xigbar spoke up. "Again, no can do. The whole point of a Sue is that they are too powerful to be stopped. Several of them probably have Keyblades and they're definitely way more powerful than Roxas. If I couldn't gun down twelve impossibly skinny chicks with racks that would probably make them fall over there's no way even Thirteen's got a chance."

Pausing to enjoy the idea of twelve gorgeous women with giant boobs (Even if they were dangerous, danger was often quite attractive.), the three Nobodies eventually decided that there was no way to eliminate the threat without resorting to devious, manipulative tactics. Of course, Nobodies were excellent at this sort of thing.

"The first thing we need to do, is get close to them without their powers affecting us." Axel noted, with the air of a general preparing his troops for war.

"Larxene!" said Xigbar suddenly, his sniper instincts providing the group with a solution. Infiltration was a specialty of Number II's, and even when set against creatures that by nature defied logic, he couldn't disappoint.

Axel frowned. "Wouldn't she be their natural enemy? Another female?"

"No. If what Xaldin has told me is correct, then the Sue's natural defenses against another woman would be to turn her into a 'bitch'. But we know that Larxene is already caustic and sadistic."

"Brilliant!" Axel crowed. It made perfect sense. "I'm sure this'll be right up her alley too."

It didn't take them long to track down the female Nobody. A combination of being on decent terms with Axel and amusement at the idea caused her to accept almost immediately. Luxord had never had much to do with Larxene, but he found himself appreciating the woman's delicate approach to something like sadism as the three pressed together to watch the scene unfold through one of the higher windows of the castle.

"Axel can't come out right now." Larxene's high, powerful voice reached all the way to the top of the tower, even without Xigbar's space powers amplifying it.

"So why are YOU here? I'm here to win Axel's heart. You'd better let me through since Marly-kun always lets me use Castle Oblivion when he's not around." one of the women elbowed her way to the front of the throng. She had long, silky dark-pink hair that was styled similarly to Vexen's and a black, standard Organization robe. "I'm a Nobody too, but I have Pi keyblades and the power of light! My name is Xemnash. I'm Vexen and Marluxia's daughter."

It took all of Larxene's willpower to prevent herself from dying of laughter. Emotions she might lack, but who needed emotions to understand that that was just ridiculously funny. With some effort she suppressed the snort of laughter that bubbled in her throat, and made a valiant attempt to continue.

"Alright ladies, here's the deal!"

"Excuse me!" one voice scoffed.

"What now?"

This time, a blonde elbowed her way to a front. She was decidedly flat compared to the other women there, but her features were just as flawless and her legs accentuated the skirt she wore in an unnatural way. "My name is Xanthia Yami no One Winged Angel!" she snarled viciously shoving Xemnash to one side as she muscled her way into the spotlight. "You stupid bitch, I'm a MAN."

Even Larxene couldn't recover herself fast enough. "A man?" she asked stupidly, even at the risk of blowing the deal. Up above her, the other three Nobodies in on the plan were flabbergasted.

"Of course! I'M better than WOMEN because I have a PENIS!" he huffed. "At least I won't be getting in the way of _Axel-sama's_ homosexuality. Axel and I will have healing buttsex after he gets raped by YOU and your strapon!"

Larxene's eyes widened. "How did you know about my….you know what? Never mind. Xan is it? You're in luck. I have no designs on loverboy, so you can rest easy. If nobody else has any objections, I will direct your attention to the Destiny Islands. Obviously only one of you can have Axel, and he's told me he wants only the strongest and most beautiful of you." She paused to savour the way that the twelve women (and one man) regarded each other.

"Over the next little while you'll be forced to prove your love. With any luck you'll all die…but should one of you survive, you might just get to spend time with… 'Axel-sama'."


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** Twelve for Eight

**Rating: **T

**Warnings/Spoilers/Pairings:** Um...some Mary Sues that are really desperate to get in Axel's pants? Mild AkuRoku. Mention of Rape. Mention of Yaoi.

**Disclaimer: **KH is the respective property of Disney and Square Enix.

**Authors Notes:****omegapenguin0** on Livejournal wrote a list of 30 Plotbunnies in 30 Minutes. Number 4 was "Twelve Sues, One Axel...do the math." Considering this gets into some controversial issues, a couple of things. I wish to remind you all that this is a parody. I am in fact a fan of yaoi, and I have nothing but respect and best wishes for victims of rape. I also, for that matter, have been known to read AND enjoy stuff that would give cause for many ranters and sporkers to question my sanity. In short, this is supposed to be a parody, targeting and even overplaying the worst conventions of self-insert/MarySue fics. If anyone is interested, my fic-writing journal 'lostscore' is a place where you can read ahead a little. This chapter also makes a little shoutout to Those Lacking Spines, which is a fantastically funny story and certainly better than this. Read it.

* * *

**Chapter 2**

By the time the Sues got settled on Larxene's island, Xigbar, Axel and Luxord were mighty curious as to what the female Nobody had planned, finally cornering her when she arrived back at the castle.

"Battle Royale World does something like this. Fun world, high mortality rate. Citizens are picked via lottery and expected to fight until one is left. After spending 5 minutes with them, I think that's an excellent fate for them to suffer."

"Great idea, but it still leaves one." Axel shuddered.

"Ah, but logic dictates differently."

Xigbar, being scientifically minded began to catch on, suddenly very glad that Larxene did not in fact put as much effort into her missions as she did her sadistic tendencies. "I see. They can't all be the most special, so their powers will be significantly reduced…"

"…and they won't be able to function without them." Larxene finished. "Even if one does survive, which I sincerely doubt given that they're all complete morons, it should be no trouble for Axel here to finish her…or…him, I guess, off."

"One more problem. This should be fairly entertaining, correct? How are we to watch it if we can't get near them?"

"Got it covered." Luxord spoke up. "Between Xigbar and myself, we should be able to pick up a video feed."

With that settled, the Nobodies minus Larxene who, expecting a bloodbath had quite readily agreed to go operate as director of ceremonies, settled in to watch.

* * *

Blissfully unawares of the horrors that awaited them, several of the Sues sat around on the beach, wondering as to their fate, but mostly discussing their favorite topic: themselves.

"So you're going to take Xemnas, if you can't get Axel?" One Sue, with glossy black hair asked of the pink-haired Nobody-Sue, Xemnash.

"Of course! My name should say it all! I put MPREG in my story, because Yaoi makes everything better of course." Xan nodded enthusiastically next to her.

"Personally, I think I'll take Xigbar." Though the man was not to know it, Number II was even now receiving a rare moment of condolence from his fellow Nobodies. "I was raped…" Xan continued, his pained sigh at total odds with his earlier, pushy attitude. "…I'm sure that only Axel…or Xigbar…or maybe Xaldin's healing buttsex can cure me."

The Sue with midnight blue hair sitting next to Xan patted his arm. "Oh, that's so sad. I was raped too! By Vexen, you know? Since he's old and gross."

"Wait, wait wait." Axel snapped. "Stop that, will you?"

Luxord obliged, and the Sues froze on the screen.

"Now I'm no fan of Vexen's, but when did he take up raping women?"

Luxord's mouth twisted in a frown. "I know we're villains and all, but…surely these women were tormented enough! Maybe we should find another way of dealing with them."

Xigbar shook his head. "Not to worry. It's another Sue thing. Rape is kind of a status symbol among them."

"Perhaps it's just the no-emotions bit kicking in, but I must question why would anyone would WANT to be Raped?"

"And that still doesn't explain Vexen's activities." Axel put in.

"Vexen didn't rape anyone." Xigbar shook his head. "I'm not sure I understand it quite yet, but apparently Sues own poorly made replicas of us. At first I thought Vexen was being arrogant, but Xaldin and Lexaeus claim the theory is at least in part accurate. I believe they call it the 'Spine' theory but I can't say I get the reference."

"Weird name." Axel shrugged, but at least convinced that for all his faults, Vexen was not in fact forcing himself on hapless women in his spare time. "Let's keep watching this train-wreck."

Luxord released his control of time, and the tape continued.

"Ooooh, you're Lazz, right?"

"Lazzuli-Azure-Blue-Glitter Gemstone."

"That's a great name! Mine is Yamikox. I was raped too. By Roxas."

This proclamation prompted a fifteen minute pause, during which Axel was in danger of laughing to death.

"Well, I'm Yukie Sunset Sparkle Dusk Rosebride."

"Oooh, pretty name!" Xemnash smiled. "I'm thinking of maybe adding 'Hikari' into mine, because it's cool and Japanese, and MY power is _light_, which makes me extra special because I'm a NOBODY."

"That would be so COOL!" Yukie nodded. "I think I'll take Vexen if I can't get my hands on Axel…but you know, that's only so he can build me a Riku Replica and then maybe I can bring Ansem back to life."

"I think…" Lazz began, but she was interrupted by the arrival of a young lady with purple hair and big, white wings sprouting from her back. Her face was twisted into a kind of horror, and most unusually a thin film of sweat stood out against her forehead. If any of the Sues noticed this strange phenomenon, it fled their minds the moment she opened her mouth "This island has no bathrooms, no running water and no food!"

"Maybe…maybe Axel-sama will come and save me!" Xemnash wailed. "I don't understand why he hasn't come already!"

The Sues rather idiotically turned their gaze to the sky, as though they expected Axel to come parachuting in. Instead, Larxene's voice, amplified over the entire island caused them all to jump.

"Axel's not coming." She scoffed, giggling with anticipation. "Now. The way this is going to work is that only one of you will be left standing by the end of this week. You may use any means necessary."

Suddenly, the gazes were not so friendly. A rush of Keyblades and over-large swords were suddenly in 12 pairs of hands.

"What about food and comforts?" Yamikox called. "I need to wash my hair!"

There was a general muttering of agreement.

"I don't think you're going to have time for that." Larxene smirked, even though she knew they couldn't see her. "Not if you want to win Axel!"

"Bitch." Someone muttered.

"As for food, I'm sure you'll figure out something…"

It didn't take a genius to see that there was something considerably more sinister than usual about that statement.

* * *

"What do you think she meant 'we'll figure something out'?" Naturally, the Sues were still fussing and worrying about their hair and other highly important grooming procedures. It could not have been clearer that while fighting each other had been the most important pronouncement Larxene could have made, each was still under the impression that the object of their affection was going to arrive to save them.

"Now, there still are a few more things to go over, ladies." A portal opened up on a high sand dune, and Larxene gracefully stepped out to stand amongst them once more.

"And MAN." Shouted Xan from somewhere in the group.

"Whatever. Now. To make sure that you understand just how serious this little game is, I'm going to introduce one more element." She lifted one arm, causing something metallic attached to it to jangle. The source of the noise appeared to be plain, matte metal circlets, just large enough to fit snugly around say, a slender, graceful neck. "You'll be wearing these for the duration of your stay."

The first reaction to that was from a Sue with little pointed cat ears and a thick tail protruding from her back. Her otherwise sweet face was certainly not marred by whiskers or anything negatively feline, but the fact that she was currently hissing in Larxene's direction revealed that she did in fact have animalistic fangs.

"And you are?" Larxene rolled her eyes, knowing by this point that the Sues would invariably introduce themselves with their full, ridiculous name one way or another.

"Lynx Kitty Neko-Neko-Chan! And I'm an independent, tough woman! I refuse to wear a collar, even though I have _neko_-ears! It's demeaning!"

"No, that name is demeaning." Larxene snapped, but she'd been prepared for just such a problem. Pitching her voice into the breathier regions, she waved a hand airily. "I just thought you might like to wear them, since Axel-_sama_ thinks they're _sooooo_ hot!"

The next moment, twelve necks were sporting silver collars.

The female Nobody grinned in a way that would have made lesser mortals quake with fear. The Sues of course noticed nothing. "Did I forget to mention some…OH! Yes. I did. Those collars happen to be made of HIGHLY conductive metal."

Yukie, who seemed to be one of the cleverer Sues began fiddling with hers.

Larxene noticed. "Oh, you can't take them off once they're on, and I wouldn't suggest trying, either. Allow me to explain this to you. Listen carefully now, as I wouldn't want you to miss anything important and ruin your chances. This island will be monitored by myself, Luxord, Xigbar and of course, Axel at all times. You will be allowed an hour to separate, and then all bets are off. As I mentioned before, you may use whatever means necessary to defeat each other, the key words here being: "to the death". That's very important. If it helps, I'll put in terms you might better understand: _got it memorized_?"

The second the phrase left Larxene's lips, the Sues looked far more horrified than they ever had to present. "But we were going to date one of the OTHER Organization members, if we lost…" Lazz's blue eyes welled up with tears. "You can't do this to us!"

"I…I've never been raped yet!" wailed a particularly curvy Sue, nibbling on her nails and causing Xan to smack her hand rather viciously away from her mouth. She looked up at him almost gratefully. "I was…thinking maybe Xaldin would…"

Larxene took no notice. "As your number dwindles, certain areas of the island will be no longer in 'play'. This will happen every 24 hours and is in part where the collars come in. If any full 24 hour time period passes without a death or if you find yourself in one of the out-of-play zones…" the female Nobody's fingertips crackled with lightning. "Your collar gets zapped."

Backed up by an unusually kind demonstration on Larxene's part of a finger being drawn along her throat to show what would happen should anyone fail to comply with the rules, not even the Sues were stupid enough to not understand what would go along with their collar getting struck by lightning.

* * *

With all the talk of rape, it had taken Luxord awhile to get over the idea that they were not in fact stepping over the line of the villainous inhumane, even with the lack of heart problem. It had eventually become painfully clear that this group were either complete headcases or pathetically stupid, and he'd since taken to attempting to convince Axel and Xigbar to make a bet on which Sue would come out victorious.

The problem with this was that neither would have any of it, given that well, being the 'Gambler of Fate' such as he was, Luxord invariably won these bets.

"I've lost more munny to you than I ever needed to already." Xigbar shook his head.

"Same." Axel nodded. "I'm already under enough torment."

"How about this? If one of us wins, we get to help you take out the last Sue!"

"You're not taking that away from me!" Axel snapped.

"Luxord is right about one thing though." Xigbar noted. "I want some recompense for helping drag your ass out of this mess."

"We'll think of something." Axel said, thoughtfully. "We've got time, for the present."

Larxene had been right about one thing. Yukie, the Sue who had tried to get her collar off did happen to be a little brighter than some of the others. For example, she was wise enough to get away from some of the rougher looking of the group, the girl with the wicked-looking blue claws, and the cat-girl, Lynx were probably quite dangerous for example. She didn't fancy her chances much against Xan either, who she presumed would have the whole 'Yaoi is greater than everything' aspect in his favour.

Having been the editor for her old friend Xemnash's _BRILLIANT_ fanfiction however, she happened to be privy to a bit of inside information about the light-wielding Nobody. She was not just after Axel. Being descended from who she was, she happened to have picked up one other trait in particular: She was completely air-headed to be sure, but she was also deeply megalomaniacal. Once she won Axel, she was completely determined to take the Organization.

Yes, Xemnash was dangerous, but it was probably possible to take her out of commission now, being that years of trading fanfiction had made her privy to all sorts of important weaknesses…like the fact that she couldn't sing and was utterly terrified of bad fashion sense.

And speak of the devil.

"Oh…oh hi Xemnash…"

There was no mistaking the glitter in those green eyes. (Naturally, since she'd gotten Marluxia's hair, she had Vexen's eyes.) The Nobody-Sue was already plotting something. Well, this time, Yukie was plotting something first.

"Terrible that we all have to go through this." The Sue poked at her collar. "Tell you what. We'll make a deal…we'll try to find a way out of this together. We'll hide from everyone and work on our plan!"

Yes, this was completely predictable, Yukie was gratified to see. The Nobody was definitely up to her usual tricks. Oh, she knew how it would all turn out if Xemnash was left to her own devices, she wanted her final rival to be someone whom she knew everything about, and Yukie fit the bill.

"I don't think so!" Yukie smirked, shaking her head, and causing Xemnash to turn around in shock. "You see, you're going to be the first to go, because you'll just kill ME later!"

"How did you figure out my brilliant plan!?" the other Sue was genuinely flabbergasted. That wasn't the way things were supposed to work! In the next second, she had two keyblades in her hands, twirling them expertly.

Yukie of course, had a long, magical girl transformation sequence (It went without question that Xemnash was stupid enough to allow it, rather than just taking her out during.) At the end of it, Yukie wore an entirely impractical skirt and impossible heels, with a glittery wand that was naturally justifiable in the Kingdom Hearts universe, since Yukie's specialty was _anime_ crossovers. Disney just didn't hack it next to Sailor Moon and Utena.

Keyblade clashed against magic. To both Xemnash and Yukie's consternation, they found themselves doing strange things like tripping over the hem of long robes or stumbling in heels. Besides the girly magic however, Yukie had a few other weapons at her disposal, not the least of which were the carefully timed insults she was hurling at the other Sue.

"You can't sing! That's a _stupid_ weakness!" she laughed, causing the other to nearly burst out in tears at the HORRIBLE insult to her writing ability.

Seeing that she was weakened, Yukie powered up for her final attack. "Super sparkly girl magic…"

And that was as far as she'd gotten with the spell. The last few words were only a forced gurgle as a seething Xemnash summoned her final and very infinite Keyblade, the PI Keyblade, right between Yukie's ribs.

"Insult my writing talent, will you?" she spat, and stalked off to go have a good cry, and decide whether or not to all her fics from the internet once she won this thing and got home.

* * *

Meanwhile on the other side of the island, Styxlark, a Nobody with a libido that ironically enough could rival Axel's own was thinking deep Sue thoughts and wondering how she was ever going to get out of this mess. Hell, she wasn't even GETTING any sitting around this horror of an island, being expected to kill people in the process.

And an idea occurred to her. A fantastic, wonderful idea. That dumb bitch Larxene had said that Axel-sama was watching! Therefore, she would perform a strip tease. Surely once Axel-sama saw it, he would be so turned on that he'd come and rescue her. And then, there were two others with him: Xigbar and Luxord. Not bad, not bad. Maybe they'd join in, and they could all have lots and lots of sex while the others killed themselves.

Checking to make sure she wasn't going to get caught with her pants down, so to speak, she batted her big blue eyes and tossed her silvery hair as she wriggled out of her skirt, humming a random beat in her head. Thank goodness she never wore underwear! She oh-so-slowly pulled off her top, then winked as she unhooked her bra. Next came that irritating collar and…

"PLAY IT AGAIN!" Xigbar managed to suck in enough breath to demand.

Luxord obliged, and the three started laughing all over again, as they watched the repeating tape of the very naked woman get struck by a very vicious bolt of lightening. "Thank Darkness she took her top off before the collar, eh?" he snickered.

"How's THAT for recompense?" Axel said with a grin.

"It'll do mate, it'll do." Luxord nodded.

_**2 Sues Dead, 10 to Go.**_


	3. Chapter 3

**Title:** Twelve for Eight

**Rating: **T

**Warnings/Spoilers/Pairings:** Um...some Mary Sues that are really desperate to get in Axel's pants? Mild AkuRoku. Mention of Rape. Mention of Yaoi.

**Disclaimer: **KH is the respective property of Disney and Square Enix.

**Authors Notes:****omegapenguin0** on Livejournal wrote a list of 30 Plotbunnies in 30 Minutes. Number 4 was "Twelve Sues, One Axel...do the math." Considering this gets into some controversial issues, a couple of things. I wish to remind you all that this is a parody. I am in fact a fan of yaoi, and I have nothing but respect and best wishes for victims of rape. I also, for that matter, have been known to read AND enjoy stuff that would give cause for many ranters and sporkers to question my sanity. In short, this is supposed to be a parody, targeting and even overplaying the worst conventions of self-insert/MarySue fics.

* * *

**Chapter 3**

Handing off the bowl of popcorn to Xigbar, Axel wiped his greasy hand on his robe and leaned backwards to talk to Luxord without blocking the view.

"Something the matter?" he asked. Not for the second time since this had begun, the Gambler of Fate had gone unusually quiet.

"I'm not sure I understand it…but I was wrong."

"Happens to the best of us." Xigbar smirked unsympathetically around a mouthful of popcorn, not taking his eye off the screen.

"Shut up. I meant about the birds. Since you two weren't going to participate in my betting pool, I decided to just guess for myself when the fairy princess started grappling with the pink-haired broad."

Xigbar didn't shift his vision, but he nodded to show he'd been listening. "I assume you decided the battle would end the other way around, did you?"

"Right."

"Well, its like Larxene said, isn't it? They're all 'the most special', which is an impossibility, unless you're Xigbar, who I assume could warp their twisted little mind-Universes into reality, but I don't really want to know what damage that could cause."

"It could result in brains exploding." Luxord said fairly, forgetting his dilemma a second.

"It could wipe out the Destiny Islands." Axel said darkly, and not just for Roxas' sake.

"Right. Well, I guess that clarifies it. Their 'special' factor is a totally random variable, which presents us with a wonderful opportunity. Shall we bet now or later gentlemen?"

"We're NOT betting!" Axel thumped his armrest.

"Damn."

* * *

Lynx's heart hammered wildly as she looked down at her very special, very important accessory that she had on her at all times: a 'Mickey Mouse' watch. The reason for her nerves was that the hour hand was only a half-minute away from the fated 24 hour mark and as she hadn't run into any of the others after they'd scattered, that could mean nobody else had either. If that was the case, they were all destined to be struck down by lightening in five…four….three…two…

She let out a relieved breath as the second hand ticked by, then relaxed entirely when a full minute blissfully devoid of fiery death passed. Shortly thereafter, she jumped a mile as the disembodied voice of Larxene trumpeted out around them.

"I see you've all done very well for yourselves! Since you're not all dead, you may correctly assume that at least one of your comrades is. Shame I couldn't have killed you all myself, but I suppose I'll have to be content with two for now."

Lynx took a moment to process the information and wondered briefly who the two were. Well, the most important thing was that they had another twenty four hours. She ran her claw-tipped fingers along the face of her prized watch lovingly, taking great care that the sharp nails didn't scrape the flawless surface. After all, when she'd snuck off the "It's a Small World" ride at Disney World to go through that weird door and then tumbled down that portal to get to the Kingdom Hearts world, she'd made darn sure that watch was intact. And even after fighting with Sora, Donald and Goofy oh and visiting Disney Castle…the REAL Disney Castle, not some cheap imitation with a guy in a costume, bah, plebs…

She jumped again when Larxene spoke next, her deep fangirl thoughts having distracted her.

"On that note, ladies..." (Obviously, Xan was no where in the immediate vicinity since no protests to the use of the female vernacular were heard.) "…all the beach areas of the island are now danger zones. Anyone not off the sand in the next five minutes gets zapped!"

Considering she was deep in the jungle portion of the Island, Lynx was in no danger. However, that was not what held her attention. Larxene's last word had echoed strangely, sort of like there were two of her. That meant, wherever she was monitoring them all from, must be close by.

Lynx knew she couldn't sneak up on the other woman, but who needed stealth when she was the destined companion of the Keybearer, and Donald and Goofy too!? She could defeat some pathetic bitchy-woman Nobody! Not to mention, she'd be a hero for saving all her remaining friends. A _Heroine_ she corrected herself. She was after all, a tough, liberated woman…who just happened to have super kawaii kitty ears.

Larxene meanwhile, watched Lynx's advent with a rather bemused expression. She had figured one of them would come and find her eventually. It should be a good fight too, they were after all, still quite powerful. What she hadn't expected however was for Lynx to pause and sit on the steps, her head in her hands.

Wondering if she'd miscalculated the Sue's motives, Number Twelve watched curiously as the cat-girl started to get up, then sat back down again, then repeated the process a short time later.

Though she was not to know it, Lynx was taking the time to decide on her Heroic Speech. You know, 'You're not allowed to exist, you have no Heart you foul cretin….' That sort of a thing. Just like Sora.

By the time Lynx finally had it figured out, Larxene had gone quite mad. So it was when the Sue opened the door and burst into her monologue, lisping over her fangs (That had never happened before) she barely got five words out before she found herself with about three Kunai right in her heart.

"…but I'm shupohed to be thuh heroine!" she stammered, breathing laboriously around her fatal injury. But never mind that, there it was, that damn lisp again. "The Nobodies don't win, Sora, Donald and Goofy do." Her vision was fading to black. She should be being all dramatic right now, but she was in too much shock.

Larxene made a production of looking around. "Don't see any of those people anywhere!"

And with that, she crossed the room, retrieved her knives and pushed the body down the steps of her control lodge. On second thought, she went back and retrieved the Mickey watch. She'd always wanted one of those, but man, the security on Disney Castle was a bitch to get through these days.

* * *

"That BITCH!" Axel raved. "That unbelievable BITCH!"

"Calm down dude, she was just protecting herself. Any of us'd have done the same…though I admit I wouldn't have minded being the one to do it myself."

Ignoring the Freeshooter's attempts to calm him down, Axel hurled his mercifully empty beer can at the wall, where it quite unexpectedly fell through a portal that had recently been opened. It missed Demyx, but the Dusk that had been traveling in the betwixt was not quite so lucky, but got its revenge several weeks later by being the catalyst for Axel taking an unplanned trip to the floor.

"Umm…Okay…" After having things thrown at him, Number Nine decided he didn't want to know what was going on in here. "Just thought I'd let you know that Roxas' back from his mission."

With that message delivered, he teleported out, presumably to go on a drinking binge that would end with the images of what Axel and Roxas did after missions being purged from his mind.

* * *

In the final analysis, Xan wasn't really quite as tough as he made himself out to be. In all his fanfictions of course, he would never have had a problem with killing anyone, then of course getting raped by an evil, evil and terribly handsome man. That was what made him special.

Here however, surrounded by paragon upon paragon of special, he was really nothing more than a pathetic, simpering fruitcake. He of course, didn't realize this, he just thought it was his sensitive side coming out.

So, that was why he was sat here now with Yui, the poor Sue who'd never been raped yet. He knew he should be killing her or something, but he just felt so awful. Imagine, not being violated so Axel would come rescue her. Surely Xaldin would do so. She was also currently sobbing her heart out.

"There there." He patted her back. "Your eyes are really such a pretty shade of grey. Like the stormy sky!" he put all his clever writing talent into that sentence. Maybe he should have said 'orbs'.

"I…I know, but I don't want to die, and I don't want to kill anyone either! At least not until I've finished my story and I get raped and then have healing love from the Nobodies…because they do have emotions."

"They DO!" Xan agreed vehemently. "

Suddenly, Yui was struck with a thought. "Xan, you're a guy…"

"Of course!"

"Well…maybe you…YOU could rape me!"

Xan looked up startled. "Well, um, see, the thing is, I'm not really into women, and besides. I'm an uke. I'm not really cut out for the rape thing." He paused, noticing that Yui was about to burst into tears again. "Er, but…um, maybe…if it was buttsex, I'd be a bit more comfortable with it."

To his utter surprise, Yui's oh-so beautiful stormy grey i orbs /i sparkled at the thought. "Oh wow, it'd be just like real rape! I'd feel so much better about myself if you did that for me!"

Fifteen minutes later, Yui was swiftly finding that butt rape was not all it was cracked up to be. Neither was being violently pounded into the ground, literally and figuratively. She let out a final scream and behind her, Xan stopped. He couldn't understand what had gone wrong. Yui had just stopped moving and breathing…and…oh. OH.

"Ewwww, Necrophilia! i Female /i necrophilia!" There was really nothing like a naked dead woman to kill a dude's stiffy. Swiftly pulling free and tugging his pants back on, Xan made off deeper into the jungle vegetation, wanting to put as much distance between the dead girl and himself as possible.

Now that she wasn't around any more however, he found himself a lot more interested in the killing aspect of things…

* * *

Xigbar was beginning to be of the opinion that Yui might actually have been correct and Nobodies really were in possession of emotions, as he couldn't remember laughing so much during any point of his life, existence and non-existence alike. "Sweet Darkness, would you look at that! I guess this proves it. There really is no such thing as 'healing butt sex'."

"Wait, wait wait…" Luxord waved a hand at the screen, still laughing loudly himself. "Where's Axel? I can't believe he's missing this!"

Xigbar's uncovered eyebrow raised and his loud laughter quieted to intermittent chuckles. "He left? When?"

"I don't know, I think it was right after Demyx stuck his head in here to tell him Roxas was back."

"Oh yeah. Come to think of it, things got awfully quiet around that point. His fault though. I got the idea he was a little jealous that Larxene got to disembowel one of them and he didn't."

"Selfish." Luxord noted.

Before Xigbar could reply to this however, Axel strolled back in, all too obviously adjusting his robes.

"Shit dude, you missed an awesome bit." Xigbar shook his head at him. "What the hell were you off doing that was more important than this?" The Freeshooter didn't even bother to consider the option that it hadn't been a conscious choice to leave on Axel's part.

"Roxas in the Janitor's Closet of Naught and Swiffer Sweepers." Axel proved him wrong, without missing a beat. "Sure made me feel better about having to wait my turn to kill one of those bitches." He stretched and flopped back into his seat, crossing his arms behind his head and leaning against them.

Luxord and Xigbar looked at one another. Axel failed to notice the vague sense of incredulous dread passing between them.

"So what you're saying is, 'buttsex' with Roxas…helped you feel better." Luxord said slowly.

"Yep."

"Then that would make it…'healing buttsex'."

"Fine. I guess it would. Are you pulling that rhetoric shit again?" Axel asked irritably.

"My God, it exists." Xigbar could feel his world crashing around his ears, at least until Luxord started up the tape again.

_**4 Sues Dead, Eight to Go.**_


	4. Chapter 4

**Title:** Twelve for Eight

**Rating: **T

**Warnings/Spoilers/Pairings:** Some Mary Sues that are desperate to get into Axel's pants. Mentions of Rape, Yaoi, Het, Buttsex, Necrophilia, Plagarism, Explosions, Crushing Stupidity and general violence against Mary Sues. Contains implications that Axel/Roxas and Xigbar/Larxene happen. This fanfiction is in many ways a satire of the Battle Royale Novel/Movie/Manga Series and draws heavily on its plot devices. There is also a slight reference to the anime 'Naruto' made in this chapter.

**Disclaimer: **KH is the respective property of Disney and Square Enix.

**Authors Notes:****omegapenguin0** wrote a list of 30 Plotbunnies in 30 Minutes. Number 4 was "Twelve Sues, One Axel...do the math." As always, I remind that this is a parody and a means to lampooning in a hopefully humorous fashion some of the more obnoxious trends with poorly written original characters and the sorts of fanfiction they appear in. I have not set out with any kind of ambition to get on my high horse, and I respect and sympathize completely with real life victims of rape and/or other sexual/violent predation. In addition, I'd like to thank all of my Sueified friends and readers for allowing me to authorize their horrible, grisly and oft stupid deaths, even in Sue form. Before we start, one final thing: Anyone who gets the Tenacious D reference…gets…NOTHING. (Okay, maybe recognition for being awesome. Better than adhesive medical strips at any rate.)

* * *

**Chapter Four: **

The Sues' prime concern was no longer focused on the time restraint. Considering the island was not terribly big, once one or two of them had come across a few bodies the word had spread to even the most devout non-believers that the game was officially totally serious. By this point, most everyone was out for blood. Larxene had also recently informed them of two new danger zones which forced the topography of usable island into something of an oblong shape that slowly herded her captives in towards the center.

Noxath, a Nobody Sue with at least six sets of wings, was rapidly starting to realize the problems that ostentatious spare parts could provide. With those giant, glittering appendages, she could hardly fail to escape the notice of Lazzuli-Azure-Blue-Glitter-Hikari-Gemstone (she had added an extra name somewhere along the way), who was walking straight into her path.

With nowhere to run, Noxath prepared for a fight.

* * *

Evidently Axel had had the same idea. "Oooh, neat! Finally, a bloodbath!" 

"We can only hope there will be one this time." Xigbar reminded them. The Sues had been remarkably good at letting them down in that regard, hilarious though the antics often were.

In spite of Xigbar's skepticism, it appeared that Axel had called this one. The Nobody immediately leapt for the other girl, summoning a pair of sais as she went. It was all that Lazz could do to get out of her way.

* * *

Lazz's problem was that her Sue was a beautifully tragic orphan whom Organization XIII had opted to care for and raise as their own little daughter. Of course, being a beautiful girl, she would also grow up to become Axel's lover. The problem here was that while such a story would no doubt reduce her faithful readers to tears, helpless damsels in distress rarely carried weapons of unimaginable destruction. 

"I will destroy you!" Noxath was clearly fancying her chances, grandstanding with her wings spread wide.

"Well…Well I'll just become a _keyblader_ then!" With that, Lazz held in her hands the most beautiful, but naturally deadly and blue-gemstone encrusted Keyblade the world had ever seen. "Riku gave it to me when I met him and then I used it to help stop Organization XIII, with Sora!" she invented wildly, apparently not bothered by the fact that her new story was at severe odds with her old one.

It was Noxath's turn to stop, but she didn't look worried. "Wait a minute. You can do that? Change stuff around?"

"Of course! I can write whatever I want, and nobody can tell me otherwise! Or else, they're mean!"

Noxath thought about this a moment. It was possible that Lazz could be lying. But her argument made total sense. Of course she could write whatever she wanted. Still, a test was in order. She'd always wanted her beautiful blonde hair to be just a little more special. Any Sue worth her salt knew that beauty was the foundation of any good character-writing.

No sooner had the Nobody-Sue thought about this, than she found herself with lovely, red-tips to her luxurious blonde locks. Her wings seemed bigger and shinier to boot, and even her skin seemed to glow just a little more golden.

"It works." Noxath crowed. She continued revising her image. The sais became sharper and more dangerous. They glinted, no, fairly _shimmered_ with the power of darkness. Once more the odds had tipped in her favour.

"I have two keyblades now! When Sora and I made love in the Usual Spot in Twilight Town, our passion created a new –"

"Well I've got…the ability to shoot lasers out of my –"

"Super Speed!"

"Lightsabers!"

"Oathkeeper and Oblivion!"

"Telepathy!"

* * *

Predictably, the exchange rapidly escalated to stupidity of mythical proportions. The sheer ridiculousness of each new suggestion was met with a great deal of laughter from the three observers. 

Xigbar however found his enthusiasm for the joke slowly dying. As a member of the scientific community, he understood that this apparently hilarious bit of stupidity on the part of the Sues could lead to something incredibly dangerous.

Axel and Luxord on the other hand had no such worries on their minds, and were enthusiastically guessing what it was the two sues would try and add to their arsenal next.

"Ooh, that Keyblader one should wish for the power of flight! That do anything for ya?"

"That's levitation Holmes." Luxord said dryly. "And we can all do it, so no."

Even under the circumstances, neither Axel nor Luxord would have comprehended the position that they were potentially in, and so Xigbar made a brief exit to seek out the foremost authority on scientific knowledge in the castle.

"Vexen!" he barked, appearing suddenly above the scientist's head. Anyone would have instantly noticed that Xigbar seemed rather concerned for a creature without emotion, but Vexen had been the victim of far too many malevolent drop-ins from his sneaky coworker intended to surprise, startle and otherwise shock him into dropping equipment.

"What is it? I haven't the time to indulge your frivolities today."

Vexen seemed resigned, but Xigbar didn't appear to be interested in baiting the scientist. "I need to see the S-Counter."

That got the scientist's attention. "You'd better not be joking around!" One look at Xigbar's expression had told him all he needed to know, and he retrieved his invention with no further protest. The Freeshooter flashed down to the floor to read the small instrument over Vexen's shoulder.

"Oh shit." Number Four's reaction was worryingly devoid of all manners of academic elitism.

For his own part, Xigbar didn't bother to hang around to watch Vexen start frantically securing his equipment.

Axel was busy wiping a tear out of the corner of his eye when Xigbar warped back into their room. "Hey where'd --?"

"Can it, Axel! The Stupid-Counter is off the maps! We've got a Nomura-level wave of Stupid coming straight for us, thanks to those idiot Sues!"

"A _what_ of Stupid?" Luxord raised an eyebrow, though the Freeshooter's attitude was definitely starting to concern him. Xigbar was as violent as any Nobody but he usually ignored the pressures that came with the job in favour of a far more laid-back attitude.

"A wave of stupid occurs when too much ridiculous and conflicting retcon occurs in one story line." Noting their blank expressions, he put it into layman's for them. "Think about what Demyx can do. Now, instead of water, it's a blazing wall of idiocy that hurts more than a night in bed with Larxene."

"But they're all the way in the Destiny Islands!" Axel had never been so glad to be minus a heart. Suddenly, the World that Never Was seemed like a truly fantastic place to live.

"You'd think that...but unfortunately for us, Stupid also uses the dark corridors."

"Aw hell. The evil thing, right? Isn't there anything we can do about that?"

"There is…" Xigbar trailed off.

"Well then let's do it! Tell us!"

"You're not going to like it."

"I'll take the night in bed with Larxene." If they survived, Luxord made a mental note to ask Xigbar how exactly he could make a comparison like that.

Axel nodded his agreement.

The Freeshooter sighed. They were running out of time, but he hated the solution. It compromised the hell out of his masculinity, but they had no choice. "The only way to combat stupidity is with stupidity."

"Meaning?"

"We duck and cover."

* * *

Somewhere on the Destiny Islands, the screaming and whining of the two Nobodies had reached fever pitch. With a sudden last shuddering shriek, the two monstrosities of glitter, well-conditioned hair and wings, along with their weapons, superpowers and Barbie-doll pink corvettes were imploded upon themselves, the resulting energy a truly eerie shockwave of raw idiocy that raced through the dark corridors, causing no small amount of destruction on more than one hapless world. Xemnas himself was sure he could hear the screams of countless hearts in unison. Even his poor Kingdom Hearts could not totally turn a blind eye to the power of the almighty blast. 

"Is it over?" Axel asked.

Luxord blinked. "I can only assume so. Xigbar? If you would be so kind?"

The ruffle on the bottom of the couch lifted up, and a single yellow eye peered out of the blackness. "It's over." he confirmed. He warped out a second later, watching Axel and Luxord clamber out with as much dignity as they could muster.

"We will never speak of that again."

"Speak of what?" Axel picked a dust-bunny out of his hair as he sat down. "Pass me a beer, would you?"

Luxord was only too happy to oblige him.

* * *

When Lazz and Noxath had started fighting, Lorei Kokoro Hikari Takahashi had hid herself in a nearby bush. She knew there would be a battle and she'd gotten the brilliant idea to ambush the weakened victor, thus ridding herself of a little competition the easy way. 

She'd also been quite excited to learn that it was possible to manipulate her appearance and powers. What she hadn't been expecting was for things to get so out of hand.

The giant shockwave that had manifested when Lazz and Noxath imploded had whipped her hair and clothing around, but they'd settled back into their normal, runway ready positions shortly thereafter. Even though it hadn't affected her personally, she couldn't ignore the aftermath of dead vegetation the stupid wave had cut. That too was odd, but she put it out of her mind for the present.

While it seemed a little foolish to try the same tactics after seeing what it had caused, Lorei still figured there must be a way to control it. Naturally, she wasn't planning on being as stupid as Lazz and sharing the information with her fellow competitors. She would just figure out what would make her most powerful beforehand, and if she needed to make any changes during battle, she could lie and chalk it up to something like a second form.

The plan was brilliant! What could go wrong?

Making sure that she was completely concealed by a fresh and undamaged hiding spot (which proved strangely hard to find.) Lorei set herself to thinking about her favorite movies, stories and even fanfiction. She was particularly good at writing crossovers and planned to use her extensive knowledge of other video games and anime to her advantage.

When she'd decided on her new look, a demon form with the powers of _ninjitsu_, but with long, blood red vampire nails and a revealing costume as opposed to that hideous orange _gi_, she set out in search of her new prey.

* * *

Muttering to herself about ridiculous island landscapes, Leah Kuro Hanagata Takeshi sat down on a log, taking off her six-inch stiletto heels and wishing for a moment that she didn't have such incredibly long blue nails. It would make massaging her feet a lot easier. She'd just gotten her boots back on when a blast of energy at least five inches in diameter barely missed her left ear. 

She turned around as fast as possible. The strangest thing about that particular attack was that she was supposed to be the only one who could do that.

"Hey!" she cried out, taking in the sight of the other Sue in front of her. "A Naruto-ninja character was MY idea! You even have my character's special characteristics!" she pointed frantically to the red versions of her own long nails and stiletto boots.

"Nuh-uh!" Lorei put her hands on her hips and stuck out her tongue. "I came up with this idea first!"

"You don't even know how to act properly! MY character is sophisticated! You…YOU COPYCAT! We even have the same INITIALS! I bet you don't even know what the Japanese in your name MEANS!" Leah wobbled a little bit on her heels.

"I thought we agreed when we started writing our fics that you could be original because you were going to be a Nobody and I was going to be the other!" She fired another energy blast at the other Sue in a fit of rage. "How dare you accuse me of being unoriginal!" the irony of using other works of fiction as a foundation for an 'original' character completely lost on her.

The blast hit Leah dead on, vaporizing her almost immediately. Lorei's eyes widened. She'd won. She couldn't believe she'd won. That stupid, plagiarizing little fool of an Other had…wait. Other? Lorei felt a cold chill race down her spine.

She mentally ran through her list of _legitimately_ borrowed fanfiction writing sources. Oh no…she'd really been the Nobody after all. But she'd surely stolen the keyblader idea from that other writer, and then there was the chaser aspect, where'd she get that from? And this gem she carried. What use did that have?

Lorei was rapidly realizing how out of hand her 'borrowing' had gotten. The question was…who was she really?

She sat down to try and sort through this horrible identity crisis she was experiencing, and didn't even notice when the ferocious battle between a familiar pink-haired figure and another Nobody whose hood remained enigmatically up toppled an entire wall onto her.

_**Eight Sues Dead, Four to go.**_


End file.
